Sunday, November 13, 2011

almostfearless.com

almostfearless.com

This Week in Optimism

Posted: 13 Nov 2011 04:48 AM PST

This week I finally finished the proposal for the somewhat-secret project I’ve been working on, something that I came to Chiang Mai specifically to focus on, holed up in my comfortable apartment and sending my husband out for Thai food at regular intervals. Whatever happens next is out of my hands, which is at once exhilarating and nerve-wracking.

It’s come at an interesting time, this week was the finale to the Loy Krathong festivities, and I couldn’t help but think of “letting go” more than once when lighting a lantern at the river, watching it slowly fill with warm air and eventually drift off into the night. From my apartment, I have a 180 view of the skyline above the same river and all week there were thousands of these lanterns making their way across the sky, like falling stars in reverse, moving up instead of down but in slow motion.

There seems to be a theme in my life right now, I don’t know if I’m looking for it, or it’s just a coincidence, but the people around me are all starting new projects, taking big leaps, sometimes they’re so new that they’re still free-falling, not knowing what to grab onto, but trusting that it will work out. I wonder if I’ve somehow given up my cynical, snarky nature and turned into one of those people: a card-carrying optimist.

I found myself at lunch telling Danielle from the WonderGears (she just started traveling in August) about all the opportunities there are in travel writing. How she could position herself and when to say “no” and when to jump and make a bold choice. I’m not sure if I helped her, but I felt invigorated talking to someone just starting out. I loved that time in my life. In 2008, I went to Europe, started traveling and writing, and I had no idea how it would turn out. I was FREAKING OUT. It was awesome. I was probably driving myself crazy with expectations and pressure, plus worry and confusion on how to proceed, but what could be more exciting?

Someone else was bemoaning the stress they felt about packing up their house to move their family overseas. I tried to tell them: Listen, this is the good part. You’re alive! You’re doing something really big! You’ll look back on this fondly, I promise. (I’m sure that’s not exactly what they wanted to hear as they are knee deep in packing peanuts and questioning their sanity. This is the good part? Kill. me. now.)

You see, I’ve moved over to the dark side. I’m practically cheerful. I’m still checking my email obsessively (until my husband physically restrains me, by forcing me into internet-free environments) but I can kind of laugh at myself. I’ve just resigned myself to the idea that if you’re going to do something bigger than yourself, it’s going to make you nervous. You will freak out. And later, you’ll remember that as part of the fun of it.

My friend Dave, my soul-mate-in-snark, from whatsdavedoing.com just came to Chiang Mai as well (after going back to work last year, he’s decided to quit his job — this time for good — and spend a few years designing an online business that he can run as he travels). I dragged him out the night he arrived (bleary-eyed and jet-lagged) to the same place we had our goodbye party last year. At the rooftop bar, we had drinks with other travelers, people just starting out on their big adventure, or others making a career change or some just there to enjoy Chiang Mai. I whispered to Dave, “You’re in Thailand.” He smiled. I remember that feeling so well, the “Yes, I did it!” that’s always tinged with a little “Oh god, what have I done?”

In a year from now, some of these people will go back home, others will move onto new projects, and who knows what I’ll be doing. But right now, we’re all here, waiting, hoping, wondering, and searching for the path that will take us forward.

Pic by: ndayla

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